The Cult Of IO!

Welcome, children; oh, you’re here. My friend, my wonderful friend, it is a glorious day to see you. Through the power of the Trizt, we’ve gained enlightenment. Through its unfathomable grace, we now have the IO. I know you have a thousand questions, and in time I’ll lead you to the answers. First, you must… ugh, ack… sorry about that. Do you feel lonely and need a group to shove you around and remind you that your mother’s door is always open? Do you long for friends, or would you settle for enemies that don’t want you dead right away? Are you tired of raids and mog competitions and just want to be told you’re amazing while staring at toes while you play? Are you getting berated by a group of guildies because you don’t understand the importance of interrupts and crowd control? Then I have the church for you. Here at the Cradle of IO, we accept anyone with enough gold and a soul to harvest. Join us and learn the simple truth: if the number goes higher, you’re a better person, morally, of course. Below 1k, my friend, you’re likely a serial killer. You reached 2k, and the wife and kids have you too busy to keep pugging; well, we have prisons for a reason, and part of that reason is to keep people like you far away from children. It’s not all about connecting your value as a person to a score, but it is about connecting your personal value to a score. You’ve reached 2.5k; I’d say you’re on the right track, but that’s still too low for you to be considered human. After a whole season, you’ve reached 3k and feel burnt out? Oh friend, that’s not burnout; that’s your worth shining through to reveal the truth. Get back out there, you gold-painted turd.

Here at the IO Church and Casino, we hold to the standards of goblins everywhere. If you’re looking to be appreciated for your skill at doing the same thing over and over, or want to pursue rewards that reveal to the world that you are, in fact, the better person. This is the place for you. We help you connect your immeasurable talent and lack of people skills with a number that shows the world that you matter. If you’re lucky, you can even be ranked higher than other people in the church with close to the same number. Feel like your class has been forgotten? Don’t fear; we have rankings for your role and class, plus a breakdown you can share. See, that one noob died two more times than you did. It’s his fault that the key fell apart. We also allow you to display the score next to your head; it's like wearing a sign saying ‘I’m a special boy/girl.’ I want to address the most important issues. Do you need a bath? Are there people in your life telling you to “touch grass”? Do you have a deep desire to tell a tank he’s the worst human imaginable for wasting 0.2 seconds of your time? Is there a deep-seated need for you to be compared to others in a way that holds no relevant standing? Do you wish to abandon yourself and become a slave to the numbers, screeching to go higher each season for no reason other than vanity? If you answered yes to any of these, The Church of IO is the place for you.

Do you hear that? It’s your parents saying they’re proud of you! Unbelievable, I mean, really, they wouldn’t say that if you paid them. But if you joined today, they’ll put your picture back on the shelf in the hallway. They’ll be so close to being proud of you, they won’t even deny you’re their child… most of the time.

Now dust off that poop sock and get yourself ready for another six months of not showering or touching grass. Who needs vitamin D and hygiene, am I right?

I hear your burning question, and I will list the items required to join your new family.

Be sure to bring any form of ID, preferably nothing with a picture. We like our lunch to stay where it is. We accept all forms of payment. gold, souls, Target gift cards, and Beanie Babies. You must sign a waiver absolving the church and its practitioners of any liability should you meet an untimely demise or contribute to an unplanned pregnancy. Lastly, be sure to make payments to RaidIO LLC at Ahoy Boy Lane. Postage required.
Now we get to the rules, and there are roughly twenty-six thousand four hundred and eight. all listed below.

First: Interrupts should be left where they belong, in the spellbook.

Second: Fire gives buffs only the dedicated can attain, no faking it when you are a member of IO.

Third: Mechanics is for losers; ha, winners aren’t supposed to learn.

Fourth: pick out a random player to mock for not striving for the same goals as you. Being the best means everyone is competing even if they aren’t.

What comes after four? Ah, E: accountability is for the uncool. Blaming others will make you stand out and might even impress the ladies or guys. I won’t judge you for that.

Thirteenth? Be sure to log your progress so we can keep our books up to date. We refuse to be wrong, ever.

Fourth? Find a tank and make his life better with aggressive and harmful criticism; nothing makes a person with the whole group resting on their shoulders feel relief like you blasting them for not being as good as someone neither of you has met. Mmmhmm, I feel better now.

Eighth?!: When in doubt, shout! From awful slurs to racist rants, nothing is off limits, and we expect you to live up to the highest standards. If you aren’t being escorted off the premises by security, then you’re not a member of this church.

Before I list the remaining eight hundred thousand rules, here’s a message from one of our illustrious sponsors.

Have you been depressed at not being able to increase your item level? Does the idea of touching grass sound wonderful? Are you starting to listen to your loved ones and considering abandoning the dark, secluded basement? Do you feel like your diet of dino nuggies and pizza rolls is starting to take a toll on your health? If you answered yes to all these and more, then our newest medicine might be able to help. Epeenagrow is designed to help with trouble areas in your life. Just one pill and you'll be mashing buttons so hard they'll think you're ten years younger. It's specially formulated to bring your numbers up, they'll grow so fast you'll be throbbing with excitement. Adding Epeenagrow to your day will complement even the cleanest of diets, here I come Doritos and chocolate milk at 2 am. Don’t let the noobs get all the wins; take Epeenagrow and show them how big you are! Side effects include nausea, vomiting, being cool, erectile dysfunction, heart attack, uncontrollable mood swings, stroke, and being the hottest thing out there! Ask your doctor today!

Man, that sounds like the perfect addition to my stack of HGH, injectable testosterone, Anavar, and amphetamines. Oh, we're back, and it's time to fill you in on the rest of the rules.

Four: rebel against authority, as long as it isn't our authority.

B: Trizt will provide, but be sure to bring all consumables and necessary enchants.

Gear, gold, mounts, pets, transmogs, and keys are not included with a subscription to the Church of IO.

Those are some steep rules, and that was a long list. Before you join the congregation and prove you are worthy of 3400, we need to ask one last thing.

We've noticed you were looking at other guilds when we were stalking you through town. Per your signing up with The Dark Kingdom, you forfeited all rights to leave or quit. Additionally, you must submit to reeducation for proving to be a negative influence on the guild.

Wow, you’ve got a busy week ahead, and that excited look on your face brings my heart joy. You can scream all you want; we'll always be right here… always!

Now who's ready to go to CHURCH!