Recruitment, fresh blood needed!
Ren, welcome. I know the chair is a bit cold, but you’ll get used to it. Thought you’d be out for a bit longer, but that’s no big deal. Getting this done quickly and easily is how we do things. You’ve been stepping up, and we've noticed. You’re not like the other officers we promoted for completely arbitrary and poorly thought-out reasons. You're a winner, and with an IO like that, we know you're a good person, likely a saint.
Now, why I asked you here, and yes, the restraints are required for educational purposes. With my help, you'll take over recruitment and a bit of onboarding for the newest team members. Can't make an omelet without breaking their spirits. First and foremost, get up close and personal. If they see the needle coming, then you're slacking and need to clean things up. Once the mild and completely necessary sensitivity wears off, make sure to let them know the blood contract is now binding, and they belong to the guild forever.
Be sure to use rope or shackles if the “potential recruit” is a bit bigger and livelier than normal. Take their weapons, gear, gold, false teeth, mounts, pets, toenail clippings, and magic scrolls. Before allowing them access to basic needs, such as using the restroom or obtaining nutrients. Can't be too careful.
They'll attempt to bargain and offer anything. They will desperately plead that they wish for higher progression, but a swift reminder that “even people in hell wish for ice water!” will put them in the right frame of mind. If that doesn't work, Notaan does have a pig farm in the neighborhood.
Mango and Joe will argue that you must show harsh and controlled violence when dealing with trials. I like their methods, and Joe does have a way of peeling skin without removing much of the underlying tissue. Yet, understand that it works better if you break them down mentally and push them toward Stockholm syndrome.
But hold up, it isn't all doom and gloom. We accept all types, even those joining willingly. Never doubt the power of low self-esteem and a desire to be wanted. It helped with the Church and will work for you.
Again, you might want to show kindness and empathy toward the newcomers, but that is weakness, and our lord Trizt doesn't bless his faithful for being weak. Grab those trashy lowlifes by the throat and… show them we offer so many new events and amenities. Dazzle them with how many active and totally willing members we have roaming around. Highlight the enormous variety of mind worms we keep on hand. Some even know how to cook.
Look, Notaan wandering in with that go-getter attitude- we’re so lucky he’s our fearless leader; that is a decent amount of drool but nothing out of the ordinary. No, his finger didn’t fall off. Nah, he's fine. He always grumbles incoherently before 8 pm. Let’s get this back on track.
With the influx of so many willing participants, you might feel overwhelmed. As a rule of thumb, make sure they fear the person next to them as much as they fear you. Can't revolt if you don't know who's on your side. Like many tyrannical governments in the past, if they’re afraid of each other, they’ll never raise a finger.
I hear you grumbling and wondering if you've made the right decision. I can assure you, yes, the answer is yes. If you ever doubt the way, then we will help you through subdermal neural manipulation. Worked like a charm for me, and there are no longer any fears or doubts. GO TEAM!
As with any great team member, you’re always asking the toughest questions and striving for greatness. What are we looking for? That's a solid question, and I'm certain you will know them when you see them. Be sure to pounce on those perfect “candidates” in their most vulnerable moments. Nothing says new member like an isolated and spiraling loner. If you don't scoop them up, someone will, and they might have good intentions.
How have we survived this long? You've taken part in the bloodletting. When we're all guilty, it becomes easy to justify the continued atrocities committed in the name of community. Blood brings us together, and blood strengthens our bond. Our team has been siphoning off talent so much; we’ll run out of people and start feeding on ourselves.
Did you just ask about our comprehensive rewards and benefits based on your recruitment quotas? Well, you’re in luck. As you bring in more chattel… prospective recruits. We’ll be giving you a steady stream of positive reinforcement and ill-gotten gains; the short answer is gold, lots of gold… so much gold you’ll think we’re losing our minds. In truth, we’re buying your silence and loyalty, more of the silence part. You’ll benefit from their misfortune, and we’ll all benefit from your hard work.
How do I prepare them for the reality of our guild? Always be prepared to drag them into the dredges of depravity before revealing how much blood is on their hands, too. We're the ones righting the ship, and together we'll remake the world as it should be. Before you go, I’ll need to attach this little fella to keep you on target. Can’t have you slipping off and making a mess for us to clean up.
Just take a look at Joe and how well he’s taken to having a mind worm. That is 100% real and ethically sourced drool. Sadly, finding a mind worm that didn’t starve when we attached it to Nature has been a task, but we aren’t giving up yet. These things will help keep those pesky moral thoughts from getting in the way of assimilation. Don’t mind the pinch; they gotta get to that juicy gray matter.
Stop screaming; we don’t have pain receptors in our brains, silly.
There it is, and on queue the drool is flowing. Time for you to get this party started and make this guild great again.
Together, we'll make everything Okay!
