LORE… Like Books and Stuff?
Hmmhmmmhmm, pat down the dirt, pat down the dirt, cover the crime, hmmmmhmmm. Pat down the dirt, pat down the dirt, don’t do the time. hmmmhmmm, gotta pat down the dirt, pat down the dirt, all of their loot is mine.
Wow, goodness, you caught me off guard. Oh, sorry you had to see that. Work has to get done somehow, and if you buried one body, you’ve buried a thousand, am I right? Don’t mind them; even the developers forgot about those guys. You have that concerned look in your eyes; I know what you’re thinking. Why do we kill bad guys, and who is using the sky to test a different colored laser this week? and other questions, such as why that fish lady looks attractive and how a human-orc relationship works out? Is it really a world-ending event, again? Can’t we just talk about this rather than blow up a city or three?
Suppose I have some answers and you have ears. Buckle up; you’re in the right place- time to talk about Lore!
Years ago, we went after an angry guy resting up for his big day and showed him what for. Told him, yeah, this is your house, but dang it you got some cool stuff and we don’t like you being happy. After getting forty people to aim the same way and ignore us swiping loot, the fire lord was vanquished. From that day on, we’ve had a deluge of world-ending threats and even a few reality-ending disasters. Those were fun! Now, you’re thinking: how did we survive, and who’s responsible for all of this chaos? Simply put, you! And dang it, if they weren’t persistent about not liking the cut of your jib. Before we knew it, monsters rose to see if they had the stuff champions are made of. Spoiler: they didn’t, but we learned a thing or two. One: mango really loves to play dress up, and two: big bads are just the flavor of the month.
For our deep dive into mobs, monsters, and makeovers, we’ll need to go all the way back to the start, or the middle, or the start that we were told this week. Be warned, this could change next week, you never know. We definitely aren’t avoiding the investigation into guild fund mismanagement and the disappearance of the real Blah, like there could be two of me. Nope, we’re here to cover the fine details of our time in this wonderful world, likely crafted with war, out of war, by war? Don’t know the answer to that, but it’s a whole thing we’ll get into later. First, let’s get you in the know with a fun trip down memory lane.
COME WITH ME!
It all started many years ago, like most things of their type, it came from boredom. An angry group of elves felt like long-distance service charges were outrageous and used a magic well to bring the boys over for a party. Sadly, lines weren’t so secure in those days, and before you knew it, demons were popping out of every hole; you’d think we were vacationing in the twisting nether again. After a bit of effort and a blind dude with anger issues joined the party, they exploded the phone service, things were kinda crap. For one, all those elves were scattered, and some even gave in to their fish fetish and said screw land altogether. A small detail of the time was a sundering of everything, but not a big deal. It was a strange time to be alive. Also, there was this whole deal with a dragon; he got all explodey and killed a few of his kin with a freakin laser beam made out of the power of friendship, before going underground to start an emo band. It wasn’t just a phase, but more on that later. After that, all races were like me after playing for more than ten minutes per week, chill and off the radar.
UNTIL!
about ten thousand years later, give or take a few days. I mean, really, it was almost that many years on the nose before anything else happened. An angry corporate fixer got tired of handling everything on-site and built his own start-up to speed-run the apocalypse. Gathering all the best in how to destroy a fledgling business, or world, in a matter of seconds. Heard on one occasion, he really cut through the competition by slicing a planet in half. He found out that this human lady calling herself the guardian (makes it feel like a sci-fi shooter with that title? Am I right?) Anyway. She went to this super cold place and met a few dragons, the common fare for a day at the office. Upon finding this out, he sent his avatar to an afternoon meeting, and she handled it, said, ‘This should have been an email,’ before catching a case of space flu. She moved the offices to keep corporate away for a while. Deciding nepotism was the best option, she settled down in a confusing tower that really did have a basement. And passed her all-powerful magic on to her son, talk about an inheritance. Sadly, she passed the space flu onto her kid in the process; she should have used today’s sponsor.
After a long trip to other worlds or timelines. Or a week-long bender in the South Seas (yes, there is enough content for a pirate expansion). Have you found yourself a little under the weather? Do you want to summon an army of fel-corrupted orcs to help you overtake a world? Do you have a runny nose? Is there a constant hunger for power and a foreign voice in your head? Do you have the chills and a headache? Are your feet in desperate need of some TLC?
Here at Face’s detox and pedicure, we are always striving to help our customers with everything that ails them. From space flu to the desire to see void-corrupted feet, we have it all. After a day with our expertly trained and properly compensated workers, we’ll have you sparkling like new and free of mind worms. We don’t just love feet; we LOVE feet. come on down and get those toes into our faces and our concoctions in your belly.
I really need to head down there; I’ve got a bunion that could use some love. Where were we? Oh, yeah? Her kid, never hire your family members, it always ends poorly.
Later!
Her kid decided it was time to give this whole dark portal thing a try. Using a bit of elbow grease and souls, he opened a path for his online friends to come over for a LAN party. but as it always happens, someone spiked the punch and a war kicked off. The humans tried to stop those pesky orcs, but once you get an infestation, you just have to live with it. Feeling bold, the humans went to the homeowners association to complain about the new neighbors, but the rules weren’t on their side. And before you could snap your fingers and say Randoms monk's name without thinking, someone sneezed. They were evicted from the big city and had to move in with their estranged cousins. a real nice bunch, hope all goes well with the northern humans. After another war and another, they finally got everyone to agree that the green people from another planet didn’t really belong in polite society, so they put them in time-out in special camps for thinking- concentration camps, if you will. And all was well, until it wasn’t.
Much Later!
Those same green orcs got fed up with the capped wifi and poor selection of news networks, so Orc Moses got them to travel west to live in a desert and befriend some cows and forum mods. Without missing a beat, they got a drunk panda and a few definitely not racially insensitive stereotypes together and built a city. their architect went with a floor plan made from closing their eyes and throwing darts to decide where things should go. Yep, that’s where I’d put the person who will teach cooking, near a musty cave and fel magic. Hmmhmm, taste that corruption and mildew. It became a sprawling, in-no-way-natural place to hang out. Spikes, everywhere! Meanwhile, over on the other big island to the east, humans decided generational wealth and living the good life weren’t good enough, so they kicked off a whole undead plague. The humans of the north agreed that being alive had too few perks and chose to smell green gas after having tacos and join the other team, as was the thing to do at the time. Soon, the prince hopped on a boat with his classmates and a few dwarves. He traveled north because his Uber Eats driver left some spoiled grain out and forced him to burn an entire city to the ground.
Much, Much Later?
That prince came back and, like that dragon, started an emo rock group. He went with skulls and black eyeliner to prove it's not a phase, Dad. in this case, he went a bit overboard and said nah boomer and showed his father that regicide was the word of the day. With his newfound freedom and rocking new friends, he set out to share alternative rock and plague all over the landmass. Starting with some of those displaced elves from before, yeah, came back around, see how I did that. STORYTELLING HELL YEAH. He wiped out so many; it caused them to change their names to something edgy, because what’s better than mourning the dead and living on in remembrance? That’s right, EDGY NEW NAMES!
After he resurrected his favorite guitarist, Mr. Prince brought on a female vocalist to round out the group before traveling back north. It was time to merge into a mega group and for him to become the king of rock and the undead. That angry blind elf tried to stop him, but Mr. Prince didn’t mind beating up the disabled- a real metal thing to do, I guess and traveled to the frozen throne.
Much, Much… well, later, but not like a lot later, more like a week or five.
After that, we started beating a random assortment of disabled and alternatively handicapped people. From that same blind guy to a war veteran with PTSD. We even went after a lightning dragon lady who didn’t like eugenics; we didn’t care. If you had loot worth taking, we kicked those crutches out from under you and shook until our best in slot fell out. During this time, the weird orcs and their sapient livestock joined together to clash against the humans and their gaggle of vertically challenged allies. I mean, really, why are humans allied with short burly humans and shorter thinky humans? Really makes you wonder, they brought on a token elf community to avoid being considered noninclusive.
And now, Today!
After beating up the emo kid, an emo dragon, a few veterans with PTSD, a disabled person or three, and some communist deep ones, oh, and don’t let me forget the sentient robot that thought the whole existence thing needed a do-over. We reach today. Our world is brimming with so many ways to get loot, it almost makes you wonder how many war crimes and human rights violations we can rack up before getting to our limit, until the next tier, of course. so as you see, they aren’t the big bad. I’ll let you guess who is! see you next time and be sure to clean that dirt off your boots, would hate see to what loot you drop.
