AFK? the insidious plague
Welcome home. No, I don’t mind cooking some blood sausage for you; you’ve got plenty in the fridge. After these past few months, I’ve felt like we’ve become, like real friends without feelings or connection. It crossed my mind that you haven’t been brought up to speed on a new phenomenon—time to educate you with a presentation from our friends at the Dark Kingdom drama club. Enjoy the show!
People are acting strangely, standing around all day, staring as though the lights are on, but someone changed the locks. It seems to be a disease spreading among our best and brightest; Mango was the first to contract it, went to get a bottle of his famous water, and just stood there like a fruity statue. Notaan and others went pacing around the city in circles, dreading the thought that they were next. Fear took hold of our last raid night, and we don’t know who’s next. They call it AFKing; you turn off your brain and sit there, even Nature wasn’t immune. Random AFKed for almost an hour last night, and Luna, oh, Luna stared blankly for a solid fifteen minutes during raid; she didn’t even blink. Reports are coming in from all over; it's spreading, and if we aren’t careful, we might catch it too.
I hear that terror in your voice, like Mango saying no in a passive, childlike manner. How do we know if someone is infected? It’s the bob; they bob back and forth, often bouncing in place like they’re preparing to start a gymnastics routine. The eyes glaze over, and deep within you see the hollow shell, a vacant vessel without a soul. Think Van, but somehow more dead inside. makes me shudder each time I see it. It took Joe this morning; not sure he’ll ever recover after he blankly watched a dungeon portal for three hours- why didn’t he enter?
How do we protect ourselves? locking all the doors? Keeping a close eye on those around us? Somehow, it can go through walls and even across to other worlds.
How does the infection spread? Experts don’t know; it started with a single person staring at the innkeeper after their hearth. It appeared to be nothing, a momentary lapse, nothing more. Hours passed, and everyone panicked. he didn’t move; his eyes were dead, not because he was undead, which he was, but because he AKFed. People tried to lock the doors, but it was too late. Soon, people were AFKing all over the city, at the flight master, and the auction house; not even the bank was immune. I ran, I ran until my legs nearly gave out. Stopping at the upgrade merchant felt safe, but was I wrong? Elves and humans, dwarves and other dwarves, all were standing there, waiting, staring. That’s why I came here. We have to band together, or we, too, will AFK.
Is there a cure? Yes, something Ren called a soundboard. Before he too AFKed, he posited that if enough of us used this Soundboard, it might rouse the AFK back to life, but it took him before I received clarity on what he meant. What is a soundboard, and why would someone want to pet that dog? Mid-sentence, he just stopped. Gone before his time, damn you AFK. He was going to have a good mog someday, I know it. We’ll beat this somehow in your honor, Ren, I promise.
Did anyone else survive? Brace yourself; sadly, we’re all that’s left. On my way here, I heard Ggoogggggggggggggggggggg… scream. She was carrying a haunch of meat over her shoulder and went silent, unheard of, I know. Those beady eyes were enough to shake even the most stalwart of champions. Nature randomly took flight and just hovered, no skyriding, nothing, another lost to the plague, and to think it was a different vacant stare this time. Xcrush he didn’t even stand a chance, taken out in his prime. As I ran here, Charco and Pen were right behind me, and boom, their footfalls were silenced; even their minions stopped moving. We’re lucky it hasn’t taken us; maybe there’s hope.
How can you think of an ad at a time like this, a time for?
Moshy’s Playroom and Gun Shop! Have you been looking for a place full of family fun and loaded weapons? Do you think a night out should include a liability waiver? Do you plan on drinking too much and forgetting how to spell your own name? Is there a dark hole inside that no one ever sees?
Good! Come on down to Moshy’s Playroom and Gun Shop, the best in family fun and armaments. From playing fun games to hiding bodies, we have everything for a memorable time. If you’re over 18 and thinking about making an awful choice, then join the nightlife with Moshy’s After Hours. If you like loading guns and drowning in booze, it's time to do both in the same place. Alcohol and gunpowder make a winning combination. Join our members' club and get 50% off your next three ales or a case of ammo. Come down today for your next birthday party or acquittal; if they can’t trace the round, it wasn’t yours. Moshy’s isn’t liable for injuries or legal repercussions. Stop in today!
Here are some testimonials.
“I’m missing three teeth and a toe, better than booking a daycare!” Mr. Duck.
“Is there enough to go around? Yes, we go twice a week, and we’ve only buried two children after our nights out. Those are great odds!” Nature.
“If someone is regulating these things, how do you people keep getting business licenses? Someone needs to step in and shut all of this down before more people get killed.” Ggoogggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg…
“Huh, yeah, guns I like guns, whoah, another round!” Charco.
As you can see, fun for the whole family.
I could really use a drink! Sorry, contractual obligations.
I know, I know, we’ll get through this. Did I lock the back door? Of course, all the doors are locked.
Did you say Charco is standing outside? Don’t answer; AFK will get you too.
NOoooooooooo! Leave the door locked. Not you too, please don’t… please, argh…
This has been a dramatization of what AFK can do to your friend group—from brain damage to unclear, often misunderstood directions in raid. AFK will sweep your realm, and likely many of your closest friends will contract this harmful and often life-threatening disease. One in four never fully recover, often leading to terminal levels of touching grass and a desire to better one’s health and well-being. If you suspect that you or a friend or loved one is infected, contact the appropriate authorities. If we don’t work together, we’ll all be AFK. Help keep your neighborhood safe and do the right thing.
