Promotions, so you're officer material?

Things are getting serious, and we're thinking about changing our status from ‘it’s complicated’ to “we’re taken”-taken with your assertiveness and overachieving. As officers, we have standards, and today we'll go into the dos and don'ts of being one of the chosen few. First things first, the rewards of being in the top percentile of guild members. Most noticeable is the increase in meetings that could have been a letter. Why should we prop up the mail system when we can stumble through boring reports in person? I could be farming transmog, but instead, we’re neck-deep in asking the hard-hitting questions and pointing out flaws in our approach; to date, we haven’t found a single one. Progress! As an officer corps, we must huddle together after each event and pat each other on the back for a job well done. Thanks, mango, for handling our Mythic Plus engagement. You’re an invaluable member of the team. And thanks to me for being so active lately, people have said, ‘Wow, he's still alive?’ and ‘Goodness, I thought you joined another guild.’ Yes, and thanks for noticing, team.

We have designated assignments for each team member, and you’ll take the vacant spot in recruitment. Don't ask what happened to our last appointees; legal told me that it would look worse in court if we admitted anything. Also, make sure not to write anything incriminating, as it makes it easier to defend.

The day-to-day activities for our newest and coolest team member will be as follows. You’ll need to be on at least four thousand hours a week; slackers keep us from achieving greatness and make us look weak. Yes, I’m flexing, and no, I won’t wear pants to our next meeting. Also, you’ll be tasked with keeping this literal ship of Theseus afloat. Is it the same ship as when it started, or are we slowly fading like all that came before? Planks to be replaced and forgotten. Sorry, reality slipped in, and I felt emotions for a moment. Horrible idea, and would not recommend, and if you don’t want to feel anything from your face to the crushing responsibility of parenthood. Have I got the concoctions for you?

Introducing Notaan’s Potion Emporium and Daycare. When you need to numb that stabbing pain after your most recent wipe, or you want a day away from your children’s constant complaints about hunger! Stop in and check out! We use top-of-the-line sedatives to keep your little ones docile and offer you a slight respite from a world full of pain, suffering, and, with an extra dose, stop the nagging of your better half. Now, if pain relief and drooling in a ditch aren't your thing, we've got everything from elixirs to make you bigger (wink wink) or smaller (we won't judge). Maybe you want to lose weight to impress that guy in your life or get a bit stacked to make a good first impression. We can change anything you don't like. The only thing holding you back is your purse and whether you can survive the side effects.

Don't believe us, trust the word of satisfied customers. Well, look past the two hundred pending criminal trials and the accusations of fel trafficking. Here are some testimonials we didn’t hand-pick to make us look better.

“Are you one of the light's vanguard? Why would you want to know about the bottles in my bag? Get your hands off me! Can't catch me narc!” Mr Duck.

“Hmmmmmmmhmmm…” Van.

“Is that wind chime made of light, or am I the light… wow, deep!” Xcrush.

“Is anyone else concerned that we have skeletons inside our bodies? It's us carrying our enemies’ reinforcements. Meow… meow!” Ren and the Cat.

“Why are you asking me questions? Is that a weapon? Please, someone, help! Get this angry lobster off the couch.” Joe.

Such great reviews, we'll be getting in line at Luna’s Martial Arts and Medicine to get a no-questions-asked prescription. When you don't want to feel a thing or you don’t want to be a parent for a day, think Notaan’s Potion Emporium and Daycare. (Now introducing flexible payment plans)

I feel numb already. Where were we? Oh yes, you wanted to know how we handle promotions. Our first step is removing a sitting officer for undisclosed reasons. Making sure we have the right stuff means feigning accountability. You aren't doing it right unless you're doing questionable things in the shadows. Next, we find someone who either lacks a moral code or has sociopathic tendencies. If they show empathy, we might have problems with our loot system. If you care about fairness, then we don’t care about you, and you want to be loved, right?
Finally, making sure diversity is our number one focus in this modern era. We want a solid balance of alliance members, preferably middle-aged. If you have fur covering your entire body and don’t howl at the moon as though you’ve gotten into Mr. Duck’s not-so-secret stash, then we’re done. We don’t want any horde filth; exceptions are made solely for Mango.

Is that so? Are we an equal opportunity employer? We'll call it that, thanks for the nice words.

As a member, you'll have access to everything except for anything that matters. We need you to be here in appearance and nothing more. Can't have a token officer without pretending to care. You're the fresh blood we need to keep people from asking questions. Are you ready to join the most below-average team in the realm?

Of course, you want to know what it pays and whether we offer a comprehensive benefits package. Did you know that A baby puffin is called a "puffling”? That’s wild. and an amazing segue into our next topic, conditions and legal liability. Such exciting stuff, I might need to swing back into Notaan’s.

For starters, the guild shares no legal or moral liability in your actions, but we will hold you to a standard. No flirting with the guildies, no exceptions. If you’re caught saying something slightly off color, you’ll disappear faster than a pug's damage when they hear the word "mechanics," and we’ll post a strongly worded address to the guild. Next up, in for a penny, in for a pound. If the guild does something reprehensible, we expect you to stand firm. If we falter in our resolve, they win, and we are the good guys. So be sure to tow the corporate line and always remember, I’m watching.

What’s that? You want to know more about laws and how they only apply to the normies in the guild. That’s a good question!

Moving on! You will randomly be tasked with acquiring special items and materials for “guild-related activities” (mango and his baby oil parties, that kung fu fruit knows how to have a good time). No reasonable person would turn down a masked adventure at Mango’s house, and I know you’re not reasonable. Oh, look at the time, you'd better get to recruiting. Uno just popped open a cask of ale and is sweet-talking the newest duck in the guild. Have no fear, they can’t arrest us all!