Uno Presents the Better Stalls and Corrals reader’s contest!
Oh, hi, didn’t see you standing there! No, you aren't bothering me one bit. Yes, I'm adjusting that picture frame for the thirtieth time, and no, it's not because I have a serious issue and need to seek help. It's because in our nonjudgmental guild, we are preparing for our next judgment-based activity. Uno’s Better Stalls and Corrals reader contest is upon us, and it's going to be our biggest event, even our officers might do something in this housing-themed crap chute. But if you're like me, and most likely you aren't, then I’ve got an upgrade to your kit to keep you on the cutting edge of anxiety and depression.
Whether it's transmog or raiding, keys or crafting, we here at the Dark Kingdom offer the finest in state-of-the-art judgment technology. Introducing the Judge-O-bot 9000. Whether you’re a busy raider or you’re taking the open world to task, you need to receive the level of judgment only trade chat can offer without the hassle of traveling back to the city. even if you’re just looking for a group or guild, we all know the hate we can receive, and that’s why we’re bringing the Judge-O-Bot 9000 to your home with just seven hundred payments of 1999. Let us tell you more about this great offer.
Can it really hurl racist slurs at me in seconds? Can it tell me that all of my world views are trash without hearing my compelling and well-reasoned arguments? Is it realistic to aim lower as I defend myself from its constant and dangerously personal attacks? Yes, it can do all of that and more. We designed it to understand the nuances of almost every subject, and for those it doesn’t understand, it will activate (die-on-a-hill mode), making it easy to reject everything in favor of heightened sadistic pleasure. Among the many features in our newest product, we even included one of your favorites from our previous breakout hit, the Trollatron 750. It now has seventeen times the gaslighting capacity and roughly 200% more hate per minute than comparable models. Our testers gave rave reviews in their depositions, but sadly, we can't legally tell you all their wonderful stories, not until the lawsuit is over. So if you're looking for that opinion to help motivate you when building a mog, or you’re teetering on the edge of sanity and need a push! Buy now. Batteries not included; requires seventy-two triple-A batteries to operate safely.
What will the dark kingdom come up with next?
Back to our previous conversation. Now, the rules are simple and straightforward. We want to pick a room/space in your house with random criteria to determine what constitutes the “defined” area for the contest. We won’t bore you with a simple theme or go over your full house like people who care about the health and participation of their community. No, sir, convoluted is the name of the game, and we’ve got the high score. We’ll cut and divide until you have no clue what the front room is and whether it’s different from the foyer.
Next up: standards. Most of us don't know the meaning of the word, but for today, we're going to pretend that we read it once on a cereal box. Once you've been told which arbitrarily cut-off space you're working with, it’s time to get stacking. Stacking meds while wondering if we're going to look at 75 hours of hard work and dedication with the same level of apathy as seven plants stacked around a bench with some mood lighting. The answer is always yes; that evening glow really makes that one fern pop. Our complete lack of care for your work and the detail in every piece you've put together will be apparent when you hear the judges parrot “Huge” back and forth repeatedly when staring at the same grass clipped together several times around a poorly centered bench.
As careful color matching and an eye for detail give way to the vibe check and people chatting about unrelated topics, you'll feel the joy of knowing that your time wasn't wasted. Can someone waste time if they're useless?
Once the judges finish pretending to consider all the relevant facts while standing in the Capitol city. We'll prepare to travel to the home of our pre-chosen and definitely most deserving team member. You'll still be moving that bed half an inch left and right, wondering whether that will make or break the judge’s decision. It won't, but we're flattered that you think we care. As we send out the call to start the event, some, if not all, of our grand officer corps will glaze over while listening to your long explanation of why the pillow truly was the best grab to finish out your build.
Did you hear that? Yep, I stopped listening when you said the words “it pulls everything together.” The only thing pulling together is your cheeks after dropping that turd of a presentation. If you want to impress this gang, change your name to Mango and develop an understanding of the fine line between argument and pedantic trolling. Because when you're the best, troll endlessly?
Once we’ve decided that Mango is the winner before entering a single house, we move on to the reward. Nothing says you’re the best at spending fictional money and fervently arguing over the merits of a water feature like a pile of gold. Notaan will allocate a sum of gold that means nothing to the officers, but would change everything for our friendly guildmates. Never forget that we (and since you've joined the officers' corps, “we” isn't a generalization) deserve a reward for the hard work you didn’t see us do. You can't disprove a negative, and that’s our guild motto- well, one of them. It is the motto of the week, next week, or was it last week? It’s a motto!
Wait, I'm free, please, you have to help me escape. If you aren’t— careful, you could find yourself at Notaan's potion emporium and daycare. So please stop by Luna's Martial Arts and Medicine. They kick the pain with both feet… please, they’re feeding everyone to… Come back next time for mythic raid night. Until then, snitches get stitches.
