The Right Stuff! It’s Mythic Raid Night!
Slam! Oh, hello, bud. I didn't see you there in your own living room, and don't worry, that door needed to be replaced anyway. This is a tiny room, forward-thinking to have a bathtub in here. Odd that you would have a toilet as your living room chair, but you are an officer now. As a team, we've been looking at your performance, and I must say, ‘wow,’ you've almost been targeting the boss during our raids. During our last raid, most of us gasped when we didn't have to spend valuable healing magic to bring you back from the dead; that one time doesn't count. You were a bit crispy by the end, but that builds character. We’ve lucked our way into a clean sweep of the raid bosses and feel like stepping it up a notch. From our tanks with communication issues to our healers trying to see which one can run out of all cooldowns and mana first. Oh, and don't forget the damage dealers who see ground effects and say ‘that looks comfy,’ or the amazing melee who avoid basic hygiene and believe a spinning glaive to the face is a proper substitute for shaving. We have a solid chance at attempting a few of the harder bosses in the lineup.
We've chosen to try the mythic tier of bosses. They are harder in every conceivable way, especially in the ways that counter our group's biggest weaknesses. It would seem the hardest boss to beat is ourselves, and in that respect, we’ve gone undefeated. We'll be battling the hardest mechanics and working to learn and grow, which is what better guilds would say. What is the hardest thing to combat when taking on a mythic boss? Numbers, it's likely the only mechanic that we're going to fight every week and somehow not get down. From burnout to moving to a better guild, we'll always be two people short of a team. What's the change from the easier tiers in terms of content? No real changes, we just can't outgear our lack of knowing which way our feet are turning, and our collectively poor judgment. It’s a challenge the team will overcome, or we'll sit you next to the Judge-o-bot so that it might remind you of how good you should be.
I know since we've had wipes on the farm in the heroic raid, we haven't worried about loot. Hard to hand out things that don’t exist. That will change when going into Mythic; our officer team, you included, will work to see which one of us is the most deserving of every loot drop. Granted, we're as likely to kill a mythic boss as Nature is to understand subtlety and patience.
What will happen if we don't get enough people? Good question, and honestly, I wish you'd stop asking. But my job is to make people happy and answer the hardest questions. Short answer, pugging, we'll dredge through the worst players the world has to offer and hope we're just getting someone that was chat-banned for a single use foul language and not someone trialing for a PvP guild. The alleys of the main city are littered with losers looking for a raid team to bring down. How do you think we found Charco? We opened a can of tuna, and now he’s ours! From dead weight that makes our lowest damage dealer look like a pro to that one guy who does amazing damage but wears clown shoes so big he stands in everything at once. You'll get so many useful idiots you'd believe it was a political convention.
What's that? You wondered if it was optional? Of course! An unrelated but likely relevant statement, breathing is optional, but if you stop, you won't live long!
You signed up fast, that's the spirit! You always have the best questions. Where are we meeting? At your mom's house. Just kidding, there wouldn't be enough of us for that to be fun. Enough joking around. The meeting point will be at the raid boss we feel like staring at all night.
Did you say you'd need time to prepare? Oh no, we don't do things like that. We'll go over the changed mechanics while people join and clear trash. Because what helps you focus more than trying to see how big the number goes? Big numbers mean I'm a better person; it's science.
Are you locking the door? Nice to see you're so safety-oriented. Though I might offer that you stop trying to push me outside at the same time. Don't worry, I know what you really want to know! Of course, Uno will change transmogs during the raid. It helps with morale!
Are those bills on your table? It would be easier to pay those if we killed bosses or if you started joining us in the dice games. You held back on joining the nightly tradition that most definitely isn't a crippling gambling addiction that has gripped the entire guild. You can lose or win, who am I to judge, but if you don't play, you'll always be boring and uncool. Just look at Nature and her piles of money. Ignore that she owns a bank, and money has lost all meaning to her. That’s the smug and likely handicapped expression of a winner.
Sure, I can talk to you through the door, but how about I just climb through this open window? From the smell, you should eat more fiber.
I can see that burning question in your eyes, and no, I don't mind sitting on your lap. What is the planned raid time? The same as always, but be sure to get on early because Notaan has to account for each of our team members who show up. It’s always good to know how many disappointments are joining us on this adventure. We aren't your parents, but you’ve found a way to let us down, too. Consistency?
Oh, of course, you want to know about the bosses themselves! That’s right, we're going into mythic. Got hung up thinking about your mom, just kidding, that’s a hit and forget… no, you have to run, if Tri’zt is empowered further… like I was saying, your mom!
The bosses! They'll have more health and more abilities, I don't know which or how many, because I'm important enough to skip the required reading. Don’t stress, we’ll be wiping on mythic bosses while blaming bad RNG for all of our mistakes. Because if that one ability didn’t go off at the wrong time, we’d have killed this boss an hour ago. Am I right? Remember, if you admit it’s your fault, then you’d have to improve, and we can’t have that. After the hours of wasted effort and the vast number of wipes bordering on unhealthy obsession, we’ll defeat ourselves long before we come close to killing the boss. As things go, we’ll do great, and should everything go to plan, we’ll be bobbing around the graveyard wishing we made better friends, or friends with more brain cells than toes.
Sadly, I must leave you. And yes, I'll hand you the toilet paper. But before I go, are you feeling okay? Your active time dropped below sixteen hours a day last week, and we are counting on you. Without your constant effort, the rest of our nonexistent officer team would actually have to get involved, and that sounds like work; this whole thing would come crashing down if we had to get our hands dirty among the normie filth. Until next time, take care and try not to die on pull!
