Kingdom After Dark!
My goodness, it's my old friend, umm… yeah, you’re [insert name here], my best pal! I'd never forget all the wonderful memories we have had doing [insert memorable activities here]. Wow, those were some good times. Don’t be silly; you’re a rogue and definitely not a mage or a paladin. I know you’re asking yourself what amazing things are to come. And the pressing question of Blah, why are you so thin and look absolutely amazing? That’s because when you matter in the dark kingdom, they look the other way when you steal someone else’s skin. Maybe one day you’ll matter too- not likely, but you can always dream. Oh, did you just ask who Luna is? That’s right, she matters, and someday, even though you’ve been here longer and sacrificed more, you’ll matter to someone somewhere. That being said, I’m no longer a stuffy old death knight, no, sir. I’m now a monk, and a damn good-looking one at that. Have you seen my armor and weapon? Which is a perfectly good, not-at-all-convoluted intro to tonight’s festivities.
We do more than wipe for hours on the same bosses and throw ourselves at avoidable damage while bricking keys. Oh no, we care about more than just progress and loot. That’s what those other guilds care about and achieve. We do things with everyone, as long as we like you and your voice doesn’t make the neighborhood dogs bark in pain, I'm looking at you, Moshy! But enough of me building you up with flattering comments about our amazing team. Are you ready to be knocked off your feet by Mango’s constant lack of understanding of his own categories? Have you dreamed that someone will look at your boots and say, ‘Oh my god, you thought green went with purple because you had violet in your belt?’ Is there a deep-seated desire to look pretty that borders on unhealthy obsession? Then you’re in the right place. From our content roadmap section, The Kingdom After Dark, I bring you the Dark Trial of Style. You must be wondering where it is held? Are there any children harmed in the process, and do I need to pay money to participate? Yes, but if you also said yes to any or all of the questions and truly want to compare yourself to others in no relevant way, then today is your lucky day. Pitting all armor types against each other in categories designed to favor Mango’s chosen character is the name of the game. It’s almost time, and the team wants to show off their stuff. Everyone is here, and if they aren’t, then they’re a nobody.
I'll walk you through the rules and then the categories. After that, we’ll have a quick ad break before getting this crap show underway.
Rule #1: You can't use all of one set; diversifying your appearance matters more than any other, completely arbitrary, and poorly instituted standard. Just remember I'm watching, always!
Rule #2: color shades and gradients are so important that if you mix aquamarine with turquoise or pink with fuchsia. Then I'm sorry we're going to throw you from the lighthouse and laugh. We are a silly bunch.
Rule #3: no repeat uses! If you go bare-chested two times in a row, I’ll no longer be hiding my excitement with a pillow, and it will endanger the lives of the neediest people in our community. The officer’s bank balance and our precious leader’s bottom line.
Rule #4: If Ren or Mango have a single thread out of place or a color off by one- one millionth of a shade gradient. They will be automatically disqualified and executed, with no exceptions.
Rule #5: mounts must match both theme and color.
Rule #6: All rules are subject to being discarded because one or all judges don't like you and ignore reality to vote against your lack of coolness.
Phew, that was a long list. Glad you hung in there. I know six is a big number for a melee. With that missing leg, you must be hoping for a pirate theme. But I hear what you’re thinking. How can this affect my standing in the guild if it’s completely optional and has no bearing on performance? It's because we can't be raiding with people who look and play poorly. Pick your battles where you can, and the newly introduced one-hit setup can only make up for so much. Clown shoes are hard to keep out of fire, and this circus both acts and looks the part.
That glint in your eye tells me that you have a question. I would ask to be sure, but I know the most pressing issue to a person fighting to be our most favored potato in the bushel. What are the categories, and can you explain them in such a way that no one has a clue what you mean, including you? Nope, we make it up on the fly. Is there anything better than planning ahead and carefully charting a course? How about flying by the seat of your pants while wearing a thong and ass-less chaps! Proper leadership is key.
Wow, I'm feeling a bit hungry, and it would be nice if there was a place to get the best food for low, low prices. Sadly, we aren't anywhere near a Sticky’s roadkill barbecue. Street meat served at back-alley prices. But, oh man, a Joe’s That’s Not Exactly Edible restaurant and taxidermist. From the mouthwatering, still-running across-your-table kickin' chicken platter to the drive-thru taxidermy window. Joe delivers the best value and speed to your table or trunk. Under-cooked and likely a war crime, but tasty and cost-effective. Joe will bring you the joy of eating out with the family while waiting for Grandma’s beloved cat Mittens to be turned into a horrible amalgam of dead cat and various glues and staples. The testimonials of our most valued customers will speak louder than any paid ad and save on production costs
“I've been there three times, and on our last visit. We got a good look at how quickly they work. After our meal finally tired itself out, they're completely legal and definitely not a slave workforce, almost had grandad finished up and mounted in his favorite position. He looks so peaceful doing the crab walk.” Leenerz.
“I had their jumbo supreme steak. I asked for medium rare, and the waiter handed me a knife and pointed me to the field. covered in blood and happy to be eating clean. It was a fun time, great if you’re on a diet.” Notaan.
“Meat, me eat meat! Meow!” Ren and the Cat.
“I'm pretty sure there are so many health, human, and animal rights violations that this place should be closed and the owner tried for crimes against nature, but it's so convenient, and the prices are so low, it will keep you coming back out of desperation.” Uno.
“No race of beings was meant to spit in the face of god in such a flagrant and hateful way. May we not suffer at the hands of our maker for the horrors we've committed!” Charco.
“Bring the whole family and enjoy the peace and quiet after having your little ones turned into forever stuffed dolls. It’s only a crime unless we’re all guilty.” Nature.
Wow, that was some moving stuff. So many satisfied customers, and to think they've only been shut down for human rights violations seventy-two times. Don't let hunger rule you; stop in and take your meal by the horns.
Now we're ready!
Look at those winners!
Congratulations on competing against the guild’s best and brightest, most of whom didn’t show up. Mango was a shoo-in for victory, but he didn't pull it out. It would seem even stacking the deck isn’t enough for some people to win.
What? Of course, we already did the show. Weren’t you paying attention? I think you're getting hungry and have been in a daze after seeing that delectable menu and low prices. We'll see you again soon. Next, we'll be stopping in for Uno’s better stables and corrals. Housing isn’t just a passion; it's a lifestyle choice for him. Until then, keep your eye out for people in need. Because it's easier to steal from a dying man than it is to work for a paycheck. Until our next wonderful adventure [insert name here], Blah out! Now where’s my plate?
