TENS WITH FRIENDS?

Well, look at that, you’re on your foot and looking good! Again, sorry about the rough raid nights. We’ll be sure to bring that boss down in two, maybe three months. Now we aren’t just about doing raids, no, no, we do it all. We aren’t like your usual guild, nope, we work to bring all stripes together. Again, just look at our amazing team. They aren’t messing around. The best of the best, I say! But you didn’t come all the way down here to listen to me speak humbly about our raid team and their impeccable efforts. No, sir, you are here for TENS WITH FRIENDS! All rights reserved by the Dark Kingdom TM.

Once the team is ready, we’ll have a night of fun and destruction. Not destruction warlocks because we all know summoning an inconceivable amount of demons to fight the demon adjacent enemies of the world is the only way to go. Also, we have to make sure our ducks are quacking with the vigor of an escaped patient from the psych ward. And nobody can forget our leadership! Notaan and Mango will have you tearing through dungeons like applications for a better guild once you’ve seen us pose.

Before you ask, they reminded me why I’m playing, no more negativity and doubt for this death knight. Please don’t pay attention to the magic aura floating around my head; there is no way I’m being mind-controlled by Nature’s priest.

Our first stop will be the auction house, yes, our team has to stock up on the most important items for any timed.. completed… bricked… well, attempted key. Keep in mind, always leave one buff out. Gotta be able to say it’s because I didn’t have fort, or a vers buff. Remember, only you can blame others for your mistakes; they won’t do it for you.

All your forms were finished and tossed directly into the nearest fire… filing cabinet, yes, filing cabinet. We believe in keeping well-documented and well-maintained records. Just look at that blaze roar!

Did you just say you need to run TENS for vault slots?

Well, aren’t you in luck? We have a team designed and tempered in the fires of the hardest content. All five of them will run keys together and make sure you see what it’s like to get a vault filled to the brim with the finest gear. Not yours, but theirs.

I hear ya, yes, it would be nice for everyone to get a chance at being on the team. And trust me, you’ll get your shot. After Nature, Joe, Charco, Random, Sticky, Silent’s seventh alt, the NPC by the portals, and a few others that haven’t joined the guild yet. Remember, there is no I in team, but there is a u in sitting in a queue.

Of course, you matter. We always stand by our commitments. To date, we have helped so many random pugs with higher item levels and scores get through keys; we proudly push forward with helping the ‘community,’ so be sure not to doubt the system. We’re all in this together, champ!

Oh, yes, we take into consideration how well everyone performs and might even think about replacing someone, but even Ren is a prodigy at running keys. Heck, his last run didn’t brick, too bad, and he managed to live through the whole thing. Those odds markets might have had it at a four-billion-to-one chance that he finishes the key. But like the rest of our squad, he’s a fighter. The thing champions are made of.

Most people in this guild have taken charge and make sure to cheer us on as we do keys without them. Not me, I’m always off somewhere that isn’t here. Trust me, when the time comes, Blah will join the fray. The only thing I fear is being around for dungeons with guildmates. Oh, there’s our fearless leader, such an amazing sight. We are all luckier for having been able to bask in his infallible glory. That’s the tank dreams are made of and our only shot at the big time!

So you want to join the TENS WITH FRIENDS! All rights reserved by the Dark Kingdom TM? Well, first, we need to figure out your role. Can’t have you running in there as a healer when we need a tank or a cheerleader.

A rogue, those are neat. So, about being on the bench, we have clear and representative marks for a solid bench player. Must be on time, and you have to want it. Desperation will lead us all to victory. Can’t have slackers around when one of our true champions needs a break. Sadly, we don’t have a spot for another bench player, but do you see that beautiful piece of pine sitting just outside the dungeon? That’s where you’d sit if we had space, so think about how wonderful it would be if it were yours. But alas, we have so many wonderful team members throwing up bricks that we could build a wall without spending a dime. Because when we brick a run, we do it with style. In no time, you’ll have the answers to the hardest pug questions.

Why did you just run into a wall? No matter, that’s just my big-brained play.

Do you have working thumbs? Yes, I have been giving two thumbs up this whole time.

Is there a reason you hit lust right as the boss died? Of course, without a bit of haste, how would we go through all this loot in time?

Are you actually looking at your screen, or is AI playing for you? Sorry, I can’t hear you with all this winning I’m doing!

Trust me, in no time you’ll be commanding pugs like a pro! Our team truly is giving them what they deserve. I will say, all of this hard work has made me thirsty. And what could satisfy my thirst better than—

Have you tried Mango’s pure, all-natural, ethically sourced, and in no way the product of child slavery, refreshing spring water? Have you been looking for a taste sensation with the thirst-quenching power of pure mana shot straight into your face? Then pick up Mango’s refreshing Ten Thousand Year Spring Water. Harvested carefully by Mango every time he goes to break between pulls. The combination of Himalayan spring water and snow harvested from the farthest reaches of the Arctic Circle. Each bottle is carefully mixed in a dingy bathtub in Butte, Montana. Don’t go afk on your thirst, pick up Mango’s Ten Thousand Year Spring Water! Sold at your local auction house and on tap at every Joe’s That’s Not Exactly Edible location.

Mhmmm, that was refreshing. So, how about some dungeons? Oh, dang, the team already got started. They are fast and efficient, and in no time, they’ll be calling you in to join the miracle.

With a bit of time on our hands, let me tell you about a new event coming to the Dark Kingdom. Do you like style? Do you want a chance at watching other people look silly and make money while you lose it all because one item didn’t match? If you said yes, and I know you did. Then, how about the Dark Trial of Style, hosted by Mango! Join the team and look good, well, not really. Everyone is invited, except those we didn’t send invites to. Maybe we’ll let Ren participate out of pity.

Sadly, that’s all the time we had for today. Next time, we’ll be going head-to-head in a competition of how well we can figure out what Mango means by Lovecraft, and whether it’s about color or vibe. Remember, you should always think of tentacles.

Until next time, be sure to watch for anyone asking to do keys that are either so high, you would explode just thinking about entering, or so low that even Random wouldn’t tank. Like always, be sure to drop a like and, wait, why am I doing this? Is the pain so strong that I can’t feel anything? Please help! No, not the mind—

Sorry about that, take care, and I’ll see you on raid night [insert name here]!