Raiding For Dummies
You came back? I mean of course you did! It’s a solid day to do some raiding. Glad you decided to join us for your trial events. Few people are so lucky as to get a shot at joining a team such as ours. Did you have a chance to go over the four-hundred-page policy and procedure manual? Oh, my bad, forgot you’re a rogue and there for a melee. Did you flip through the twelve-page picture book, now with pop-up art? I know multitasking can be difficult, and that is why we want you to focus on damage and nothing else. Mechanics are for losers and engineers, am I right?
Now with the opening out of the way, it’s time to start our first night. Oh, no, we aren’t pulling bosses yet; it’s gambling time. No we don't have a problem and it is perfectly legal in some states and realms we have visited. Nature has the table set up, and Notaan is getting everyone dealt in. You don’t rush things when you’re a well-oiled (technically water-based lubricant) machine. With that said, what is your game of choice? I like the dice game mostly, but Ren has the lucky hand these days. The pain has been replaced with apathy; it would seem the darkness no longer scares me.
We pull bosses when the whole team is here, and it's likely going to be a while, as Uno is busy with work. It was a surprise to learn that dragons take up day jobs. You learn something new every day. And I learned that giving up can often make you feel better than fighting the sadness!
Mango seems to be searching for the perfect patch of Arctic ice for his glass of water. Like most healers, having water for when their mana gets low is essential. Not to fear, we can start working on trash as soon as you’re fitted with the top-of-the-line Loot Avoidance Bracelet. How does it work? Good question and in no way reflects our lack of trust in our team.
It assures us that unless the other officers and I feel like allowing you an item, that you arent burdened with such a cumbersome and valuable item. To date, we have given out one pair of boots out of fifty item drops. Great loot chances, if you ask me. But no one asks me, and that’s why the bad guys aren’t sounding so bad these days; also, they have better dental.
Next up is your gear, a bit green, but if anyone can make it work, it’s you. If not, you can sit on the bench. Yes, we have a deep roster, don’t mind the skeletons, they're a bit more lively when the new raid opens. We don’t look at parses unless we have to compare you to an unrelated person playing under perfect circumstances and likely doing this for a living, but a pumper like you should be fine. Now, because Mango and Moshy were concerned. What’s up with your transmog? It would seem our team has standards for everyone, a first if you ask me. But as always it applies to everyone except Nature and Ren; they get a pass because they already don’t have much going for them, and judging those mogs would likely crush what little confidence they have left. You’re wearing too much of the same set, and it looks like you don’t know what color matching means. Maybe you’ll take more work than I originally thought. Don’t worry, the only standard we have is whether you’re breathing or not.
On to interrupts, nobody uses those! Moving on.
As the ambassador for the guild, I want to inform you that your buy-in of one hundred thousand gold did not clear the guild bank, and we will be making sure gear is distributed even more fairly than normal. We like to make sure contributions are rewarded in kind. With that said, how about we get to the biggest part of raiding with the dark kingdom? Can you eat an entire chicken in one bite? Sorry, Notaan, puts some strange questions on here. An answer would be appreciated though.
You are one of the few who have yet to be removed for horrible behavior, and we want you to know we aren’t accepting of the following actions from our guildmates.
One: You must always carry enough gold that Nature can easily scoop a handful out of your pocket at any time.
Two: We are inclusive and will not accept anyone who does not agree with everything we say. Exceptions are made for people with large pockets and nice profile pics. Fairness is key.
Three: We take attendance seriously here and will not tolerate you being more than one minute late, a total of one time. Any more than that, and I will force you to listen to Joe’s puns for an entire night. One would think someone without children wouldn't be the realms sole source of dad jokes, but here we are.
Four: We will provide everything you need for combat, except gems, enchants, food, water, and any other related items. We like to support our team, oh, and before I forget. Repairs are to be reimbursed after a successful clear of the entire raid. To date, we have paid for zero repairs. Why don’t I run? The door is there, but every time I try to flee, I feel something pull me back. Can you help? Can anyone help?
We have covered everything, and I think you’re ready to get started.
With these liability forms, you can’t go out there without our legal department’s approval. Honestly, it’s just Joe wearing a monocle and a fake mustache, but we let him have his moment. This will take 45 minutes to an hour. After that its off to the excitement if mandatory compliance meetings. Mango is yet again on the committee for a safer guild environment and needs you to visit his office… nothing too serious, likely just needed a few vials of blood and likely a bone or two. Maybe that’s why I can’t escape.
That was fast; it seems like you’re blasting through that paperwork. You still have some finger paint on your knuckles. Might need to clean up, wouldn't want anyone thinking you're sloppy. We were about to pull this big bad and get this night underway. So we are going to need you to find a nice spot to watch us fight. If we’re going to die, it will be at the hands of one of our core team members. Be sure to take notes, bosses like this aren’t going down without a lot of work, and likely a few nerfs. Be sure to keep those daggers sharp. Gotta make sure you can live up to the lowest standards known to the realms of man and elf. Even lower than a mechagnome’s nut sack, that bar is subterranean at this point.
That was a tough few pulls, and it would seem our forces are running thin. So you’ve been called up, yes, you, our plucky young recruit. Knock that dust off and get in there. Ignore how our other damage dealers met a bad end, because you’re a lot better than those goobers. Why couldn’t it be me? Is this hell? Is this my own version of hell, and this guild is just a reflection of my eternal torment? Maybe this is your chance to prove you’re Dark Kingdom material. What exactly happened to the rest of the team? We’ll say they got really tired and are taking a forever nap. Wipes are a thing, and in this game of life and death, they are a bit more dead than alive. Sure, you’re good enough to hang with the big girls and boys. The boss won’t know what hit him, and likely neither will you.
What? You aren’t sure about throwing yourself at that thing. First of all, it's a cannon we are stuffing you in, throwing isn't needed.
Second that is indeed a void horror. Did you know that void horrors can be some of the most compassionate lovers? I didn’t know that, but it's what I heard the healers talking about. Something about the tentacles and such. Make sure you’re pointing your daggers at the target in front of you. Do a good job, and we’ll get ice cream. Not you, but the officers. Mind your head, gotta make sure you don't land short and end up in its mouth.
Wow, it’s getting tough, just a few more pulls and we’ll see phase two. I will say, Sticky and the paladins are pulling away with their damage; it might be tough for the others to keep up. I know you’re missing a leg, and it looks like that hand is still serviceable, but those numbers are a bit low. Make sure to be pushing as hard as you can. Can’t be slacking when you’re trialing for a new group. If you aren’t dealing damage, then are you even trying to make a good impression? I wish to be free, to escape, to sleep without knowing that nature will puppet my body and make sure I am trapped within this infernal cycle for eternity.
Dang, that guy scratched up my armor good, and Charco is missing a bit of fur. That was tough; the team should be able to kill that guy in no time. Granted, we’ll need to recruit some more wonderful and in no way expendable heroes just like you, but until then Charco and Peni have plenty of corpses to pick through. Well, you made it through your first raid night. Don’t worry, we all lose a few fingers and sometimes a leg during our debut raid. I’m sure kidneys grow back so don't stress the little stuff. Just brush it off, and we’ll see you tomorrow night. Now, if you need any healing, call for Luna and see if she has any free time. I think she's booked up for the next year, but it’s worth a shot. If not, we’ll get you some bandages and a cool, refreshing rejuvenation potion. Maybe I’ll wake up, and this was all a terrible nightmare, or it will get worse.See you tomorrow, you did great!!!
Guys lets go for another round, I’m starting to feel again. For fifty thousand this time!
