META, it’s not you, it’s… you?
So, team, another season of Mythic Plus and raid. Half of you were meta last patch, and sadly the gods of RNG and mathematical ratios have decided that you aren’t in the big time anymore. You could change specialization or try a different class, but you aren’t that kinda guy or gal, or other. No, you want the world to know that no matter what the meta is, you’ll be the star of the show.
Sadly, you suck a bit, and being the meta spoiled you into thinking you would rule the world. Now you’ll fight to get past three thousand IO with all the bis gear that rerolls and paid carries can get. Nothing against you. I mean, kinda. It would help if you weren’t a gray parser, but here we are.
What’s that? You think they’ll buff your spec and make you better before the season ends?
Lovely thought, but this is Blizzard’s rodeo, and they don’t share the ring unless streamers and a loud Discord get into the mix. I’m looking at you, ret paladins; somehow you always complain your way to the top of the meters.
Am I pulling your leg? Heavens, those developers are too busy cashing checks after announcing Classic Plus to think about you or your craptastic class. Better get that copium and rush off to Asmond’s chat to complain that they’re too woke for your standards. We’ll see you in the point seven patch; you’ll be back.
You could always play another game, but we both know WoW is more than your hobby; it’s your identity. You’re allergic to touching grass and vitamin D, and the last time you showered, a presidential candidate ran on the tagline "Yes We Can." So we’ll be right here watching you brick keys and scrub the floor in Raid, because that’s why you log in.
You thought every class could make it to the one percent? How cute. Next you’ll be telling me the world is rainbows and kittens, and sunshine is the cure to your sadness. When you get done living in dreamland and realize that affliction warlock and survival hunter aren’t going anywhere, the season will be waiting; until then, the arms warrior and arcane mage will be making sure you get charity loot from raids.
Oh, fire mage, didn’t know you were into comedy, but those damage numbers should get a show on Comedy Central. At this point, I think your fetish is being the world’s worst possible pick for all content, and I’m starting to worry about you.
Do you need a hug? No, I’m not hugging a loser like you; only winners touch my well-groomed and overly muscled body. Look at those pecs!
Now that you understand where you belong, a word from our sponsor, Guilds R Us!
Have you ever been in a guild that just didn’t match what you were looking for? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the little fish in the big pond, or the other way around? Then come on down to Guilds R Us; we’ll place you in a useless guild of your choosing. Want a group that can’t time a ten, or a guild that will judge you for logging in more than three times a week? Then come on down and let us find an abusive home for you! Come on down to Guilds R Us! We’ll be waiting! Not responsible for bodily harm, anal leakage, hallucinations, and delusions of grandeur. Seek medical attention if you top the meters more than once.
Those guys sure know how to get the party started. Where were we? Oh, that’s right: you were living in a dreamland, and I was reminding you that a turd is a turd no matter how many bis items you get.
So whether you’re dreaming of being a protection paladin in the one percent or a fury warrior doing more than tank damage, remember: pigs can fly if you just go skydiving.
Right, you’re going to prove them all wrong by rolling a devastation evoker in Mythic Plus. Dreams are a wonderful thing, but if you wake up soon, we can help you do a delve or two before reset. Until next time, reroll; it’s easier than playing something you love. Well, that’s what my favorite streamer said. GOODBYE!
