Classic, PLUS?

Welcome back; glad you decided to have those teeth removed after all. And I know what you’re thinking: Blah, when you aren’t working to remove teeth or promote haphazardly thrown-together video games for potentially dubious companies, what are you doing with your time? I’m glad my mental image of you asked that question. Simply, I’m waiting on Classic Plus, and I think you should be too!

There will be so many fun things to do that you’ll be humming your way through the four-hour login queue just to be booted and start over again. Because what is better than playing? That’s right: watching streamers play so you can live through their experiences and opinions instead of doing any of that nonsense yourself. But be sure to pick the right streamer; don’t choose one that the company didn’t directly sanction as preapproved slop filtered straight into your smooth brain.

Of course I’m certified to do this job! I’ve played so much WoW over the years that I live on an IV of copium that borders on dangerous psychosis. And don’t worry, I’ve removed a tooth or two, so lean back and listen to these wonderful features of the upcoming new, old thing Blizzard is shoving onto the market.

Remember wanting class balance and engaging gameplay in retail? Well, screw that. The devs are cramming every bit of creativity into the pitch for the new game mode. Classic, I guess… maybe it’s a plus, but it looks like a turd someone forgot to polish before spraying nickel on it. There will be a new race out of the gate, because nothing says classic like adding another Blood Elf model, but this time they are light blue and have gas issues.

I hear your concerns: “It looks too much like retail,” but have you considered maybe not talking so much? In an unrelated and completely organic segue, we are bringing in new HD models and lighting and water effects that will cause your PC to scream for hours while memory leaks bring back that classic feel of wondering if you are moving or if the game is melting your GPU and if what’s on screen is its desperate plea for help.

Now, we’ve all heard the complaints: “It’s too much like retail.” Well, much like your life support after a suspicious accident, we can just switch it off. See, the graphics look almost like what you remember, and don’t pay attention to the bouncy animations, or we’ll have to talk to your family about what you really wanted in case you became a vegetable.

There are valid criticisms, like how will I choose a main character with so many fun paladin options to pick from? And wow, they’ve added so many new—well, almost new—quests that I’ll be leveling through the game like a pro. Others include: are those lore-accurate, and who else is happy to see seven thousand warriors ready to tank a dungeon?

And if you like seven thousand warriors, I’ve got the brands for you. Mango’s ethically sourced and in no way the result of slavery. Spring Water is adding a new brand to its moderately overwhelming lineup. Joining Sticky’s cinnamon- and kiwi-flavored Turbo Blastin’ energy drink is Charco’s apricot- and mayonnaise-flavored hydration booster. If you start doing mechanics, you might need to grab a Charco’s to get you back to tunneling if someone hired you at the Boring Company. Coming next spring, Xcrush’s new line of zero-sugar flavored water. From backyard spigot to Tabasco, Xcrush brings the flavors you want.

Mmhmm, those are so refreshing; might have to grab another. Now that you’re awake again, we can go over the marketing material Blizzard sent over… I mean the wonderful microtransactions you love so much. The new race will be a paid-for DLC, and don’t worry, they’ve made it clear they will be dropping premium content monthly that a player like you can only truly enjoy with wallet in hand. Give them that hard-earned cash, and forget about inflation; this game will promote you to impoverished status fast enough that you won’t have time to log out. Housing, groceries, your blood pressure medication? Nah. Pay the sub and grab that deluxe edition. Progress!

Don’t stress about that; a bit of jawbone comes out when you remove teeth. Completely normal; give him some more gas so we can wrap this up.

Now, if microtransactions and reused content aren’t your thing, we have new stuff that will blow you away and dismay you. Just don’t start asking why we couldn’t put the same care and appreciation into retail or the other nine versions of Classic currently being silently abandoned because we have a shiny new thing to wave in front of your face. With all that said, be sure to pay extra money to play the beta; it will give you a wonderful feeling of testing a game that we couldn’t be bothered to test ourselves.

So, join the whole gang from retail in WoW Forever; it will be the same problems you’ve complained about for years, but in classic flavor. See you in the Undead starting zone. Oh yeah, another paladin.