Quality Assurance

Brandon wiped the viscous green fluid from his neatly pressed shirt. It was more common in recent months for Brandon to get in the middle of things and to be hands-on. His attempt to stitch Aiden back together was only a partial success. He would need to gather another pre-corrupted human heart and copious amounts of slime residue to get the abomination back up and running. Which was a low price to pay, when thinking about the rising cost of labor. The company could work a dozen abominations at the same price as a normal human worker.

“Hey, Barrett! Think you and that disgruntled crab can keep the place running while I get these guys back on track?” Brandon took the jagged knife from his belt and went to the organ cooler. “Just need a bit more blood this time.”

“Sure thing,” Barrett said while marching toward the smoking booth. “Need to see if Pete is ready first.”

A flash of light stopped Brandon in his tracks.

Rising from the smoke left behind by the burst of light, a figure of pure arcana addressed Brandon sternly, “We require your presence at the QA Department, the quality imps have found an issue, and you are needed forth hence.” The figure stepped aside, blinked a few times, and wandered off to the smoking booth with Barrett and Pete.

“I swear nobody wants to work these days.” Brandon retrieved another heart and a vial of slime from the organ cooler. “Let’s get you back up and running, kid.” Brandon shoved the heart into the gaping hole in Aiden’s chest and stitched him up again.

“I’m out, if the cutter plants chop him up again, just leave the parts lying out and clean up the place until I get back.” Brandon mounted his noble rat and left Department sixteen, but not before eyeing a heater placed against the wall.

Lightning struck the spires atop a witch’s tower, and the cackle of a mad alchemist echoed through the halls as Brandon entered. Brandon stood on the bottom floor of the quality assurance tower, above him were the offices of the most hideous creatures the world had ever seen, and chief among them, the humanoid resources department manager. Few alive have been to those offices without leaving scarred and missing much of their sanity, but such is the domain of the mind flayers.

Once inside the QA lab, Brandon approached the imp Kar’la, “So, what’s the big deal?”

“It would seem we have a bit of contamination in the material out of seven and sixteen,” Kar’la said.

Brandon rolled his eyes and stood over a box of material from sixteen. Mixed with the fibers were the severed and partially decayed limbs that the cutter plants were continuously chopping off Aiden’s body.

“These will decompose before shipping, not like it doesn’t add a bit more heft to the boxes. Is this why you called me up here?” Brandon placed another pouch of dip in his mouth. “We’ve okayed twice as many chopped-up limbs from sixteen before. This is more than fine, also if there were bigger chunks I’d be concerned.”

Kar’la flapped her tiny wings to hover over a few bales from seven, “I guess we can take a hit on quality from sixteen, but these.” She pointed her gnarled finger at the nearest bale, “These are way too far gone, just look at the arms and legs still kicking.”

Brandon’s eyes narrowed, and he pinched one of the forearms sticking out of the bale. “How did this happen? Don’t we have somebody to deal with this?” Brandon stepped back and adjusted his shirt. His confident smile gave way to confusion.

“Yes, sir, we have somebody for that,” Kar’la pointed to the next bale in line, “and he’s right here.”

Brandon stood by it and glared menacingly, “and what did Gunter say about it? I can’t imagine he took this news well.”

Kar’la pointed to the next, next bale in line, “ask him! I’ve been stuck with them all day and could use a break.”

Brandon leaned to the side and scrunched his face at the sight of Gunter’s arms and legs sticking out of a bale, his head poked through the top, but was covered with a sheet of plastic.

“Let me get this straight, our smasher operator got smashed into a bale, then our backup got stuffed in a bale. Which is fine, but how, and I mean how, did our safety compliance officer get crammed into a bale when trying to get them out?” Brandon pinched the bridge of his nose. “And if you say, the department lead is stuck in a bale behind him, I’m going home.”

“I won’t say that, just don’t look behind Gunter, but how do we deal with the quality issue?” Kar’la asked.

Behind Gunter was an overly large bale with Big Dill’s arms and legs protruding out. His head poked through the plastic and material.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t see you,” Brandon said.

“Sure thing, it is what it is,” Dill smiled and continued listening to a self-reading tome.

Brandon shook off the annoyance and looked at the most recent bale placed in the QA department. “Is there something wrong with that one? And if there is a person, still alive or otherwise, don’t say a word.”

Kar’la glanced at her paperwork and back at the bale. “Nope, there is an acceptable amount of human body parts per pound.”

Brandon raised a finger, “huh?”

“Yes, we have an acceptable range for body parts per pound. This one only has half a person stuck in it.” Kar’la opened the door and pointed to another bale waiting for inspection. “That one has the other half. I’m hoping, if not, we are missing half a person.”

“Which person are we missing?” Brandon asked.

Kar’la looked over the clipboard, “Well, let me see.” She flipped the pages back and forth. “From the preliminary results, I would say it is a human.”

Brandon stared off, “I get that, which human are we talking about?” Brandon paused, “Wait, don’t tell me, if I know, then I am just as responsible as you. Leave me in the dark, but please let’s get a record of who is chopped up and crammed into bales.”

Brandon used his knife to cut Gunter and the two workers free. “Guys, be sure that the next time you feel like climbing into a bale. DON’T DO IT!” Brandon held the door open while they left. “And if I catch one of you talking about the severed corpse that is unaccounted for, I’ll send you to Croft and withhold your hazard pay.” He turned around in the doorway. “I’m headed to make sure shipping and receiving are on the up and up. When I come back, I want the bodies to be accounted for and properly disposed of, not putting them in the cardboard press.” Brandon slammed the door as he left the office.