The New Hire
Brandon Goblin, the elegantly dressed plant manager, grinned at the new hire, Kim. “So it’s your first day here at Ley Faebirs—a subsidiary of Resurrection Industries.” Brandon welcomed Kim to the facility. “You’re going to take over our ethically sourced enchanted fabric smasher.”
“I’m honored, adventuring brought too many headaches, and I’m just happy to be moving on with my life,” Kim said.
Brandon eyed Kim’s resume and admired her commitment to adventuring. Like most adventurers, Kim was forced to look for a full-time job when delving and raids no longer offered a sustainable income.
“Here at Ley Faebirs, we turn the,” Brandon did air quotes with his finger, “ethically sourced fabric into the lining of carts and enchanted saddles.” He led Kim through the offices to a large room with a pentagram carved into the floor and buckets of blood stacked by the door.
“Welcome to HR. Keeping good help is hard, so we get every new hire to sign a blood pact before walking out onto the floor.” Brandon poked his head in and closed the door. “Seems she isn’t here, we’ll get that taken care of when she’s in the office.”
Brandon pointed to a painting of spiders being shoved into a funnel.
“In the old days, our workers put gnomes through the smasher and made the highest quality cloth. Times were good, but they decided it was inhumane to subject gnomes to violent smashing. In light of our new direction, we moved to spiders.” Brandon sat down on an enchanted cart and offered for Kim to join him. “Then PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids) came along, with the backing of the silk merchants, and closed down our operation.”
They took off toward the manufacturing operations building.
“Now we only use scrap stuff from retired heroes’ gear and even henchman garb, you wouldn’t believe how much stuff you can get when a dark lord goes belly up.” Brandon put a pouch of Gryphon wintergreen in his mouth; his dipping habit was grotesque, but given that he was a goblin, that was a common criticism levied at him.
“So, what’s the fabric smasher hours?” Kim asked.
Brandon pulled the cart up to a cave entrance, and a sign above the doors marked it as Department Seven.
“It’s twenty hours a day, but with the new labor laws, you get one fifteen-minute break per week. Now you’ll have to chase down some of the fabrics, and I mean chase. Some fabrics almost have a mind of their own.” Brandon said.
The pair was greeted by the Balrog, who stood by the coffee maker with a large cup engraved with, Don work too much.
“Hey, Don, how’s it running?” Brandon asked.
The Balrog opened a pack of rice cakes, and each cake burst into flames at the tip of his fingers and burned to ash. “Fine, another fabulous day here at Ley Faebirs.” Don sat in the break area and watched the Pixie News at noon.
“He’s a good guy, can’t find a more understanding ear. After he’s had his coffee, of course.” Brandon said.
They walked over to the earth elementals, breaking tree trunks into pulp and tossing out any unlucky elves still inhabiting the fallen trees.
“We make sure to rehome our unfortunate elven kin, here at Ley Faebirs, it’s all about the community.” Brandon nudged a few elves and their stash of chocolate cookies and cakes out the door. “We are sure to maintain the highest safety standards. Our safety compliance officer is one of the best.”
They walked past the cutter plants and bins full of common and uncommon quality items. Brandon opened the door to the department office. “Gunter, this is Kim, our new Smasher operator.”
Behind a desk sat a hill troll. He wore glasses and sported a nicely trimmed goatee. He used a dagger to carve words onto stone tablets. Each time one would break, he threw it into the wall and picked up another.
Brandon raised one of the tablets, and Kim inspected the scribbled lines of illegible nonsense before giving him a nod.
“Welcome, Kim!” Gunter said.
Gunter stood and opened the doors to what could be best described as a jail cell.
“No more being unsafe or back in the cage, you go!” Gunter motioned for a pair of dwarves to return to work. “They take chances. Next time, we’ll put them in the cage for a week.”
Brandon noticed Kim’s less-than-enthusiastic expression. “Don’t worry, safety being our first priority, it isn’t often we discipline our workers because they know the rules.”
Kim leaned over and joined Brandon to watch a few humans in dark robes and face coverings being lowered into a lava pit.
“What did they do?” Kim asked.
“Oh, you know warlocks, summoned a few demons, and we had to fumigate the place.” Brandon pulled Kim back toward the desk. “We are an equal opportunity employer, so if you are alive or used to be, we’ll hire you. Only exceptions are Golems and Demigods.”
“What about Golems? Heard they make good workers.” Kim asked.
Brandon slapped his knee and pushed the door open. “Golems are great, but we had a few too many control rod issues, and bam, sent a paladin to the hospital with a messed up hand. Moved away from it entirely.”
“What happened to the paladin?” Kim asked.
Brandon froze. “Uh, He found employment elsewhere, something to do with balls. Good guy, but ole Lollipop was more trouble than he was worth and that wasn’t much.” Brandon pointed to the smasher and picked up the pace.
They reached a large machine fed by ducts of metal and stone. The ceiling cried out with unintelligible screams, and the stench of brimstone filled the department.
The Balrog stood by the machine and carefully removed each bale before handing them off to the earthen elementals to store them for shipment.
“Don, we’ve got a new hire. She’s going to be a good one, so get her trained up.” Brandon stepped a bit closer, “I have to run to department sixteen. The cutter plants chopped Aiden’s arms and legs off again, and they need me to reattach them.”
Brandon waved at Kim as he left. “This is the last time we trust Necromancer Staffing. Cheap labor, but it is getting costly to buy enchanted thread this often, and don’t get me started on the price of pre-corrupted human hearts.” Brandon stepped out and poked his unsightly head back in. “Be sure to send her to HR later, still need to get that blood pact taken care of.”
