Undead and You

Lyndon followed up on the reports regarding another tomb lord rising within an unassuming crypt in the northern wastes. Feeling the chill of the grave as he moved through the snowbanks. Carefully sliding along the rocks and using the blizzard for cover. He managed to bypass the locked gates and vanished into the darkened halls of the dungeon. Its protectors kept the place locked down tight, but he would not be deterred from ridding the world of another foul being. The rush from the ever-present possiblity of death made him feel alive even if only for a moment. Another rumble from the depths steeled his resolve and pushed him forward. Millions of demons poured into the world, a never-ending stream of darkness ready to wash over the land. Heroes like himself were last line of defense in world gone mad. The stench of ammonia irritated his eyes and nose. Another sign of a dark portal nearby.

Without hesitation, he charged forward, and with a command, his undead minions leaped into action.

First, small imps and a few hellish fiends, beyond them, a succubus led the forces near the surface. He reached the foul temptress, and cut her down; another obstacle was wiped from the board. More rushed up the narrow path toward him.

“Destroy them, it would seem their leader is desperate!” Lyndon launched a blighted bolt at the unholy mass. “Rain ice and fire upon them mages!”

“Jerry, do you think we should be doing this?” asked one of Lyndon’s undead shield bearers.

In the middle of battle Lyndon shrugged and pointed at the enemies closing the distance between them.

“Shut up, we can dispute your involvement later, for now, we must push forward if we wish to survive,” Lyndon said.

Jerry, the floating head with a child’s body, chimed in. “I’m not sure we have the same goals, for one, we don’t have a retirement plan. Guys we should unionized and maybe then he'll respect us!”

“I should have gone without minions. Blood mist is a much stronger path these days. But no I wanted ‘the easy way’ maybe I’ll find an item that will allow me to change.” Lyndon summoned a magical scythe and cut down the advancing demons. “Can we get through this without you all trying to get me killed?”

His expression soured further at the sight of Jerry and the undead mages huddled together for an impromptu meeting. Lyndon stood patiently, waiting for their response. He no longer retained his solid hold on the undead army. Seeding more of his control, unintentionally, to Jerry. He opened his bag and sifted through the assorted items, mostly rare and uncommon loot. He did manage to find a single unique piece. A ring of mother’s conditional love. It wasn’t the best item, but he might need it for a build later.

After what felt like an age, the mass of undead finished their deliberation. Lyndon, the ever-patient and calm-headed necromancer, grabbed Jerry out of the air and squeezed his neck.

“Quit wasting my time!” Lyndon said.

“You know I don’t have a throat to choke, not like you’d care about our well-being, or notice the little things.” Jerry said.

Lyndon popped Jerry’s head off. “Enough games, we are far too deep into this dungeon to squabble over minor things.”

“Minor things? We have a series of demands, only fair requests, I promise. First, we need a comprehensive healthcare plan, given our current state possibly a deathcare plan? It would seem you discard any of us who meet a terrible end, and we are willing to give up dental to make sure our comrades are taken care of. We want a pension plan. It is foolish to not think about one’s retirement years.” Jerry said.

Lyndon eyed the other minions, all of whom were nodding their heads and some even high-fived one another.

“You’re reanimated corpses, why would you need anything of the sort. All that happens is that you die again, nothing more!” Lyndon tossed Jerry’s head, his sights set on the Tomb Lord below. “I’m dropping the minions after this dungeon. Waste of time and space.”

He forged onward, but felt a strange sensation—a crusader joining his efforts against the forces of hell. A golden flash pierced the dark miasma filling the dungeon. Blinding light rippled across the ground until a radiant aura enveloped Lyndon. He felt less angry but his apathy ran deeper than any aura could cut. The Auradin Bubbs joined his expedition to fight against the growing darkness.

“Hey, been a while. Jerry, why is your head not connected to your body?” Bubbs asked.

Lyndon rolled his eyes and stalked his way toward the boss’s lair. Bubbs snatched Jerry's body and head before following. The pair were the closest of friends and often spent days defending the last pieces of Sanctuary from being overrun by Hell’s minions. Lyndon found himself tolerating Bubbs more than cherishing a warm friendship.

“If we work together, we might get some amazing loot. What do you say?” Lyndon asked.

He turned around to find Bubbs and his minion army having a lengthy discussion about 401(k)s and whether it is a violation of workers’ rights for Lyndon to be forcing them into unsafe conditions. Most egregious of all, they lamented that he refused to grant them paid leave or annual birthday cards.

“So, Lyndon, I know you’re working on a tight budget. Gold is scarce in this economy. That being said, you can’t keep avoiding the hard topics.” Bubbs wiped a bit of dust from his armor. “Are you ready to be held accountable?”

“You’re an idiot and almost as dumb as my soon-to-be former minions. Why would i consider the plight of puppet corpses?” Lyndon summoned his flesh colossi and stepped into the boss’s room. “Fight for me!”

It stepped back and crossed its arms. “It would be nice to have a vacation and I’ve been thinking about a possible casual friday. Even flesh creations need some rest and relaxation.”

Lyndon’s eye twitched. His desire to kill the blight hanging over the dungeon faded, and a new, overwhelming rage built within. His blood boiled as his anger reached its crescendo. His minions stepped back and huddled behind his flesh creation. Quick shallow breaths and a tightness in his chest brought him to raise his magical scythe. At his limit, he saw nothing but red, until Bubbs’ arm wrapped around his shoulder.

“Come on, buddy, let’s get some loot, and maybe we can gamble in town for some legendary items?” Bubbs said.

From his enthusiasm to the overpowering light, Bubbs broke Lyndon. His hands trembled and eyes widened as he turned to face his grinning friend.

“To hell with it all, I’ve been holding back, trying to fight the forces of hell, and you’re just gallivanting around like a moron. Do you think man can survive when its best hope is a group of socialist undead minions and a paladin without a sense of shame?” Lyndon hurled his summoned scythe at the boss. “And another thing, you have gotten legendary after legendary and claim, 'there’s no such thing as Bubbs’ luck. ' You’re almost as infuriating as Jerry. If both of you weren't useless imbeciles I’d think you were working with the Lords of hell!”

The boss lumbered toward the group. Walls of bone and a vortex of shadow magic spun around Lyndon, but he did not care. “Do you mind!” Lyndon shouted at the tomb lord.

Both the vortex and walls faded, the boss sat down and tapped his chin as he waited for Lyndon to finish his rant.

“Oh and one last thing, how many times are you going to say ‘I’m not strong enough to do that’ before killing an entire battalion of demons? You sicken me, and worst of all, I don’t even like how your armor looks. YOU'RE A GLOWING TIN CAN!”

Bubbs stepped back. “I’m sorry, if I’d known about this rage building, then I would have surely considered your feelings. I can admit when I’m wrong, and I think you need to admit that you’ve been taking your frustration out on your minions.”

Lyndon bit down on his lip, the all-too-familiar taste of blood overwhelming his senses and sending him into a blind fury. He thrashed about, using his scythe to cut through monster and minion alike. He summoned a soul rift and devoured all that wandered near him. After blindly attacking everything, he knelt and realized his minions and Bubbs were still there. He managed to kill the tomb lord and a great many demons, but the cause of his torment remained.

“Buddy, I think you need a hug,” Bubbs said.

Lyndon attacked him and sliced through the paladin’s body. His remains vanished, leaving a pile of black ash. Footsteps raced down the narrow tunnel leading to the boss’s room. Bubbs returned, the shallow victory faded, and Lyndon sat on the rocks and sifted through the random loot dropped by the boss.

“Man, I missed a loot drop. Surely I can’t be that unlucky. Oh, another mythic helm. Got a whole stash full of them at the inn.” Bubbs said.

Before using his scroll of town portal, Lyndon moved in close and stabbed Bubbs while pretending to give him a hug. “Yes, Bubbs luck. May your walk back be long and painful.”

Lyndon vanished into the portal, leaving the dungeon clear of monsters and abandoning his minions in the process.